New Mandatory Class: Physical education


The University News obtained records from an anonymous source last night indicating that a staggering 79% of students at UD are out of shape. 

In order to combat this sad reality, a Physical Education credit has been added to the core. Starting in fall 2022, all undergraduates will be required to complete a 3 credit hour PE class. 

If you require additional assurance that the above percentage is absolutely true, spend 15 minutes at the top of the stairs in Braniff and observe the huffing and puffing that accompanies each new student’s arrival at the coveted study spot, B3. 

Perhaps this is because of ubiquitous chain-smoking, but it is unacceptable that the primary physical paradigm on campus is Dr. Sanford. Do you not feel the need to wrest him from his perch? 

Deplorable participation in the “Pharoah Race” last week, record-high elevator usage, and lack of enthusiasm in our bi-annual 5K are all indicators of the current status of overall physical health. 

The final exam of this new PE class will require beating Dr. Sanford in one of the two annual 5ks, which conveniently take place at 8am Saturday morning during Charity Week and Groundhog Week, ensuring that students will be in pristine condition; well hydrated, well rested, and enthusiastic. 

This requirement will both bolster participation in the most cherished event of those two weeks and ensure that students are in excellent physical condition. 

However, even though this is clearly a great solution, many students do not share the administration’s enthusiasm for the project. 

“I haven’t seen the hour of 8am in like, seven years”, contended John Johnson, a senior physics major, “I honestly think I’ll die”. 

Freshman business major Kelly Kend echoed Johnson’s sentiments, lamenting “People said UD was challenging, but I never expected to fail out of college because of a PE credit”. 

Patty Patrickson, a senior classics major, was coughing too much to comment clearly, but we think he said “Lungs. Run. Can’t do it”. Judging by the cigarette clutched in the claw of his right hand, we believe him. 

Surely, this PE credit will provide an easy fix to our campus-wide inclination to be out-of-shape. And, who doesn’t want to take another core class? Happy running!


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