President Sanford steps down from the presidency in order to pursue lifelong dream


In devastating news for the University, Dr. Jonathan Sanford recently announced that he will be stepping down from the presidency and leaving the University of Dallas. With this being Sanford’s inaugural year as president, this decision comes as a shock to the entire university. 

The faculty all have varying viewpoints and interesting takes on Sanford’s decision. Dr. Philip Harold, dean of Constantin college, said, “I was stunned.” 

Voicing a more unique opinion was Dr. Gregory Roper, dean of students, saying, “This decision has left me stunned.”

Dr. David Andrews, associate dean of Constantin college, added to the diversity of expression by stating: “No two ways about it. I was stunned.” 

The variety of opinions is striking, but a common thread ⁠— that might be hard to pick up on ⁠— was the feeling of being stunned.

Sophomore forensic chemistry major Misery Clinton voiced the opinion of the student body, saying, “I am grieved.”

The big question is: Why? Why has Sanford made this decision? In an in-depth interview, the answer to this question was brought to light. Sanford is stepping down from the presidency in order to fulfill his lifelong dream of ballin’ and hoopin’ for the New Orleans Pelicans. 

This decision might seem out of the ordinary, but in fact, it most definitely is. Most presidents of universities typically retire or go back to teaching when they decide to move on, but Sanford is trailblazing a new path for university presidents everywhere ⁠— the path of the NBA.

Describing the reason behind his decision to step down, Sanford said: “I realized that this was my last shot to make the big time in New Orleans. Life is short ⁠— very short. I want to make the most of it by throwing down dunks on Steph Curry.”

Sanford has clearly thought this decision through, weighing pros and cons and analyzing risk and reward. He even has an interesting philosophy for his newfound life, which he obtained from an obscure philosopher.

 “Man is like the drifting snow,” said Sanford. “It comes down in small flurries and piles up against the door, and before long you can’t get out of the house. Well, I want to get out of the house before I melt.” Indeed, these are wise words from a wise man and, as a side note, only unintelligent people can’t understand wise words.

Sanford reached out to New Orleans in February, when news spread that there were some issues in the organization regarding the status of prodigy Zion Williamson. 

The Pelicans agreed to a deal with Sanford and the University of Dallas. Sanford will be signed and will play as long as Williamson remains injured, provided UD covers the cost of Williamson’s contract and any health problems he might experience, such as extensive vomiting on hearing this news. 

When asked why he wanted to play for New Orleans in particular, Sanford replied: “When I was a kid, I loved pelicans. I mean, who doesn’t? They might just be one of the most noble creatures ever to walk this planet. They are truly majestic creatures. Plus, they are an early Christian symbol for Christ, so that, combined with my natural admiration for them, just made this whole deal seem right and providential.”

Some might think that this is a rather selfish decision or is just  completely bonkers. Describing this dilemma, Sanford said: “It came down to a question of: How is God calling me to live my life ⁠— putting my time and effort into cultivating a thriving, Catholic community, while building an educational culture centered on truth and critical thinking or knocking down threes with the homies? I think we all know which is more fulfilling.”

Indeed, Sanford has elected to “knock down threes with the homies.” Hopefully, this new life will be fulfilling for him and his family. UD wishes him well in his endeavors, and with any luck, the sanity of the campus will stay intact for a week or so. 

This is a sad time. But in times of shock, sadness or gut-wrenching, stomach-clenching, belly-aching, nauseating, trauma-inducing horror that the very essence of life’s meaning is shattered, one can always be consoled by trite sayings. UD would do well to call to mind the pearls of wisdom of a truly inestimable philosopher. Read and be at peace.

“The sun isn’t always shining just because there are sparrows, but if your heart is where the sky is bluest, then the sound of winter’s twilight will be your friend.”


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