State health inspector visits Madonna Hall, declares it uninhabitable; investigation to follow


On April 1, Inspector Jacques Clousseu was called in by the Texas Department of State Health Services to inspect Madonna Hall at the University of Dallas after reports of questionable living conditions reached the office of Commissioner Charles Dreyfus. 

After bravely entering the premises that had caused hemorrhaging and unconsciousness in the previous inspectors, Clousseu declared the infamous boy’s dorm uninhabitable and launched an investigation to bring those responsible to justice. All Madonna residents from the last three years will be subject to sanctions for public health violations.

Dreyfus was first alerted to the situation at Madonna Hall during the fall of 2019. 

“The first reports I received were dismissed as simple collegiate male shenanigans. Broken water fountains, shattered exit signs and sightings of sock trolls, presumably tossed into the laundry room by some depraved idiot with no honest sense of humor, really wasn’t anything to be worried about,” said Dreyfus. 

The hiatus of students due to COVID-19 during the 2020 spring semester gave the Commissioner’s secretary a respite from the growing amount of reports. But once Madonna was repopulated that fall, worsening tales of debauchery compelled Dreyfus to take the complaints seriously. 

“By that spring, the sightings of sock trolls had been augmented with disturbing reports of black mold, slashed shower curtains, complete disregard for toilet etiquette and an all-pervasive, unholy stench,” said Dreyfus. “Things sounded like they could get dangerous. I had to act.”

During the summer of 2021, Dreyfus contacted Dallas County Health and Human Services and requested they send an expert to survey the dorm. The first administrator that arrived on the scene developed boils after five minutes and fled in his Ford Escape; the second passed out upon opening the door and had to be sent to Baylor Scott and White for resuscitation. She awoke mumbling something about Twister, tea and no toilet paper. The source of her ramblings is yet unknown.

No other inspector responded to Dreyfus’ pleas, until this April, when the recently promoted French Special Inspector Clousseu answered Dreyfus’ desperate summons from abroad.

Clousseau gave a press conference to explain his findings from the Madonna lounge. A crate was provided to escape the three inches of standing water.

When asked why he took the inspection job that had left one unconscious, one unstable and countless uncomfortable, Clousseau responded that “Justice is justice, and France is France.” 

Clousseau concluded that years of “botox, over-ratedness and Sean Penn” had resulted in Madonna’s current state, to which he had to be reminded that he was being asked about the freshman boy’s dorm. 

Oui, the freshman boys’ dorm known as Madonna is simply unlivable. They can’t sleep, they can’t smell, they can’t think! I will be tracking down those responsible and conducting a full, comprehensive, and thoroughly legitimate investigation!” declared Clousseau.

Rounds of questioning will begin immediately, with interrogations taking place in the Tower next week.


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