Over the last semester, a plethora of talks and seminars have been presented at UD on the topics of dating and marriage. The administration is clearly trying to tell us something. We suspect that they think we are utterly inept in matters of courtship and domestic felicity.
In response, we — the rabid oracles — summon the spirits of Abbott and Costello to bring yet another list of fool-proof dating advice. The following steps will be as attractive to your Beatrice or Hektor as an Old Spice commercial.
1. Steal a groundhog, a baby or preferably both at the same time.
As Andrew Carnegie once said, “As I grow older, I pay less attention to what men say. I just watch what they do.” Don’t just say you want a real groundhog on campus, steal a groundhog.
Don’t just say you want a family, steal a family. The only thing more detestable than the doorways of death is a man who doesn’t stick to his word — Homer said something like that.
2. Shoot the ducks in the Rochelle Road duck pond.
One of the most popular date locations is the duck pond on Rochelle Road, but why go with the crowd when you can go above and beyond? Just cut out the middleman by shooting the ducks at the pond and cooking up a spicy jambalaya.
Is this a felony? Yes. Will she care about that when she sees that you are prepared to use your second-amendment rights to provide at any given moment? Absolutely not.
Bonus romance points if you read “The Story About Ping” or “The Trumpet of the Swan” over your home-cooked meal.
3. Pass by someone on the bridge to the art village, exactly twice.
This timing can be a little difficult to arrange, but we promise it’s worth it. The sooner you die, the sooner he’s likely to mourn your death, even as a married man, and make you the heroine of the greatest poetry the world has read.
So yes, definitely worth it to hide out at the bridge and cast a disapproving look on him with your dove-like eyes.
4. Ask them out … to Office Hours.
What other use is there for professors than to chaperone your first date and orchestrate your blossoming love story? That’s why they were hired.
If you’re both confused about the Dynamo and the Virgin, that’s not a coincidence — it’s fate. Seeing how the other person interprets the Dynamo and the Virgin speaks volumes about who they are as a person and how they will operate in their future marriage, which Father Thomas Esposito, O.Cist., would be elated to officiate in the Church of Incarnation or the Charity Week Jail. Couples that are incarcerated together stay together.
5. Stand on the banisters in Braniff and shout, “I declare … celibacy!”
This scenario has two marks in your favor. Firstly, nothing is more attractive to a woman than risking your own life and falling to your foolish death. Secondly, she will love it when you tell her you can’t date her because God told you so.
For an extra shot of romance espresso, add that you’re going on a dating fast. She’ll pull out her calendar and ask when it ends.
6. Dress up as a beggar and show up in front of her dorm, asking if you can borrow a cloak and her dead husband’s bow and arrow.
Ask any other guys interested in her how much they lift. You have two options: challenge them to a lifting competition or take out the competition with that handy bow. They have to leave the picture one way or another.
7. Climb the Tower with your bare hands.
The Pharaoh is child’s play. When it comes to the battle of love, you need to employ more drastic measures.
Just because you don’t look like Tom Holland doesn’t mean you can’t compensate by showing off your spidey sense. Bonus points if you recite Aeschylus in the original Greek while ascending the Tower.
If all else fails, pull a Paris and kidnap her to lock her in the Tower. But then climb up the Tower again to save her so that she’s confused where you stand but somehow still madly in love.
If you follow all of these steps in order, we guarantee that you won’t have to attend Dr. Upham’s next Valentine’s Day talk because you’ll already be an expert with a date.
Furthermore, these steps will also guarantee you a ring by spring, a Winter baby and a pet groundhog that will also have babies that you can eat. Now soliciting your finest groundhog and duck stew recipes for the next issue!