Ye Olde Charity Week breaks record with 40k

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Queen Alexa Mascola and King Luke Enriquez atop the Charity Week jail. Photo courtesy of Lucia Caranti.

Shenanigans, jailbirds and CHAOS win race against time in a close shave

Ye Olde Charity Week has run its course, leaving much merriment in its wake. Professors were jailed, students were tucked in, men were auctioned off and over $40,000 was raised, leaving the old record of $32,000 in the dust.

The centerpiece of the Mall during Charity Week was the jail, which provided ample opportunity for shenanigans. Ye Olde Jail drew in many victims, with the captors glorifying over the captured.

“The best part of Charity Week was picking up Dr. Kambo and throwing him in jail,” said Andrew Macdonald, junior computer science major.

Not everyone was so thrilled with the jail, however.

“Conditions are very harsh. It’s wet and damp. Hazy. There’s smoke filling the air,” said Dr. Anthony Nussmeier, professor of Italian, as he sulked in the wooden prison, puffing his mega-sized cigar. “It reminds me of Inferno, Canto 3 – the very beginning, the entrance to Hell. The cacophony of sounds. The shrill voices. The gnashing of teeth. The wailing.”

The jailers had no sympathy for the plight of the imprisoned. “The conditions are just right,” said Jacob Rombs, senior philosophy major.

Ryan Connor, held at the mercy of the ruthless mob. Photo courtesy of Lucia Caranti.

CHAOS was as aptly named as always, leading to epic clashes, stealthy shenanigans and back-stabbing betrayals.

“Both my Birkenstocks flew off, and at the same time [that] they flew off, [Andy Breclaw] shot me in the back twice,” said Elias Simpson, senior politics major, who was eliminated on the first day of CHAOS. “I didn’t feel it, so I kept running with no shoes on about twenty yards.”

“On the record? During the Great Hunt, I walked up to one Alice Forget and, not having my own water weapon about me, started to devise a cunning ruse wherein I said, ‘Can I see your gun?’ She handed it to me quite willingly. I thought, ‘Oh, nice.’ I shot her three times,” said Benjamin Thomas, junior drama major. “I was shortly killed thereafter by some punks.”

“My emotions got the best of me and I promptly threw him in jail,” said Alice Forget, junior drama major, commenting on her bamboozlement.

Alyssa Harris, junior studio art major, was the reigning champion of the brutal battle royale.

“I just cooped up in the library for the last bit. I was also in disguise mode,” said Harris after having won CHAOS. “I was in a hoodie and glasses.”

By the end of Monday, Oct. 16, over $7,500 had been raised, smashing the record for first-day Charity Week revenue.

On Tuesday, Oct. 17, the second annual mustache competition was held. The finalists, who were selected by the crowd, were Dominic Kelly, Joseph Winland, and Zachary Rothammer. An independent special panel of well-mustached professors chose Kelly as the winner.

Later that day, Aidan Fontenot stole the hearts of the crowd with a Michael Jackson dance to “Smooth Criminal” that won him first place. The Student Government Executive Council paid their way into third place, despite having various vegetables hurled at them immediately after beginning their act.

On Thursday, Oct. 19, the Quest for the Holy Grail began, ending with Therese Fayard finding the grail near the Madonna pond.

Later that night, Excalibur was stolen from its stone on the Braniff balcony. The new King of the Britons is unknown.

“The performances by Father Thomas are always stellar and I feel like he’s gotten bigger and better this year, especially as a dragon,” said Sebastian Guttierez-Olvera, a senior computer science and biology double major.

Indeed, on Friday, Oct. 20, Fr. Thomas Espisito took on the persona of a dragon, dueling to the death with Dr. Matthew Berry, professor of politics, atop Ye Olde Jail. There was much shock when, overcome with the thrill of victory, Berry destroyed the cellular device of the beloved fire-breathing reptile.

The cause of the duel? The defense of the lovely damsel in distress – Lady Philosophy, or as she is more commonly known, Dr. Kevin Kambo, professor of philosophy.

“It was an act of liberation,” said Berry. “The first step in a revolution.”

“The spirit of Charity Week is about the underground powers of the city coming out to protect it, so things go upside down. It’s only appropriate that the cleric should become a dragon, the man should become a woman, and the politics professor becomes a knightly saint,” said Kambo. “Our morality play allows us to express perennial Platonic archetypes through timeless medieval characters: thus, St. George is a Gas lighter, the Dragon is a Gatekeeper, and Lady Philosophy is a Girl boss.”

“We’re sick and tired of our technocratic overlords making money off of us,” said Porter Schmidt, junior politics major, who had offered his phone beforehand to be destroyed during the duel.

“When Dr. Berry took the heart from the dragon, the iPhone, and drove a nail through it, causing it to burst into flames and smoke, and they threw it off the roof of the jail,” said Michael Johnson, freshman philosophy major. “That was pretty amazing.”

The dragon could not be reached for comment, as he was dead. Later that day, Fr. Thomas, under the guise of Moses, exited Braniff, where nine plagues had already struck, and marched down the Mall to the jail. Climbing on top, Fr. Thomas addressed the crowd, demanding a firstborn child to complete the tenth and final plague. Sara Freund, senior English major, raised up her child – a unicorn piñata – and offered it up to the prophet. Fr. Thomas proceeded to impale the unicorn with his staff, showering candy on all the onlookers.

“Moses was asking for volunteers and I just thought, why not? I don’t like unicorns,” said Freund. “If Moses is going to ask you for your firstborn, you gotta give it.”

The Male Auction capped off Charity Week on Saturday, Oct. 21 with a series of acts, including Luke Enriquez singing “Luck Be a Lady Tonight,” first in a tuxedo and then in a stunning pink dress, a heavily-choreographed Barbie song-and-dance routine, a rendition of “Gaston” by the entire rugby team and a very burly and handsome Gaston and a reprise of his Talent Show performance by Fontenot.

The rugby team act, which was the last act of the night, raised over $2,000 and tipped the total amount raised over 40k. As promised, Enriquez and Schmidt had their heads shaved on stage in front of the crowd to celebrate the most successful Charity Week in UD history.

Porter Schmidt and Luke Enriquez, freshly shorn for charity and laughs. Photo by Marina Hoeft.

“It’s important to note that we just barely hit our $40,000 goal, so every little thing really mattered,” said Alexa Mascola, junior politics major and Queen of Charity Week.

Owen Embree, junior classical philology and mathematics major, said, “Luke and Alexa have just done such a great job making this one of the best Charity Weeks.”

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