On dropping the handkerchief

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All articles published within this section of The Cor Chronicle are the opinions of the respective authors and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of The Cor Chronicle.

Throughout my college career, I have been given one strange piece of dating advice from a variety of trusted mentors. “Men might make the first move,” they say, “but women drop the handkerchief.”

The concept of “dropping the handkerchief” dates back to the Victorian era. A lady would “accidentally” drop her handkerchief before a passing man and if he were gentlemanly, he would pick it up to return it to her. Thus a lady might meet a handsome stranger when it was otherwise socially unacceptable for her to do so.

“Dropping the handkerchief ” is meant to be a subtle way to engage with a man while allowing him to more actively pursue you, if he so chooses. Of course, this is assuming traditional dating standards of women being pursued by men. Therefore I will only be addressing this way of dating.

But how does this concept of “dropping the handkerchief ” translate to modern day, you might ask? How does a woman encourage a man’s attention without demanding it? When I asked women this question, they responded similarly: eye contact, pointed smiles, maybe even touching his arm. These little motions display a quiet intentionality that women believe cannot be misinterpreted.

But when I asked my male friends this same question, they responded differently.

“Those little things go over my head,” many of them said. It struck me that women think they’re being so obvious with their affection, but in reality those little intentionalities are getting lost in translation.

I’ve seen what happens next—women agonize over the “obliviousness” of men. We grow embarrassed and frustrated. We want to feel pursued and admired and instead feel as though our efforts to inspire this in a guy are being rejected. However, I’m here to discourage such a negative outlook on male-female relationships.

So firstly, let’s further define the concept of “dropping the handkerchief.” It’s important to note that “dropping the handkerchief ” is not necessarily flirting. Instead, it’s a way of deepening friendship; it’s the invitation to open the door of consideration towards dating, but it is not an all-in, pour-my-heartout kind of thing.

“Dropping the handkerchief ” is a way of recognizing the complementarity of men and women and allowing yourself to be fully feminine in a way that invites your male friend to be more masculine around you.

It also maintains intentionality. You aren’t dropping the handkerchief for every male friend, since I think it’s important to maintain healthy emotional boundaries in male-female friendships. You aren’t playing games and being overly flirtatious, but you are revealing yourself in your true feminine genius.

Furthermore, when a woman understands the nature of a man more, she understands that he is less likely to read into things than a woman is. Therefore, a 21st-century woman who is trying to drop the handkerchief shouldn’t be afraid to spend time with a specific guy. Invite him to coffee or study with him—get to know him as an individual and as a friend who complements you as a woman.

And if it doesn’t go anywhere? Be careful with your heart and your affections, but recognize that you have deepened a friendship and caught a glimpse of an individual’s unique soul, which is a worthwhile thing.

Men of UD (if you’re still reading this), don’t grow frustrated with the vague and strange actions of women—they are trying equally as hard to understand you. And women of UD, know that there is never going to be an easy answer to the disparity of communication between men and women. Instead, be open with your communications, your thoughts, your feelings and your opinions. Men still have not gained the ability to read our minds, and their minds work marvelously different from our own.

And always remember, when you are feeling embarrassed or even heartbroken, that it is a good thing to love and it is a good thing to get to know an individual, even for the short time you are together here at UD. In the wise words of Lord Tennyson, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”