Some get chocolates, but others get the privilege to endure a sorrow
Valentine’s Day is an equally beloved and despised holiday. Those in romantic relationships view Feb. 14 as a day made for them—a time to celebrate their love and splurge on each other. Single people, and particularly single women, often resent Valentine’s Day and the flashy romantic gestures that come with it.
As a woman who will be spending Valentine’s Day nearly 1,000 miles away from her long-time boyfriend, I am unsure which camp I fall into. I am excited to receive my Valentine’s Day card in the mail and to send him his; I look forward to our usual Valentine’s Day dinner date over FaceTime. I appreciate having a day set aside to celebrate our relationship. Yet I must admit that I also dread Valentine’s Day—as I suspect many of the single women on this campus do.
I can’t go out with my boyfriend on Valentine’s Day; I can’t see him at all except through a screen. Yet I still think that it is a holiday worth celebrating. Why?
St. Valentine is not the patron saint of flowers, or candy, or love letters or lavish dates. He was not a Cupid-like figure, a match-maker who paired couples off and sent them to their happily-ever-after. Rather he risked and eventually gave his life to witness the sacramental marriage of couples who, like himself, knew that their Christian life together would be full of suffering and persecution. These couples were “compatible,” but not in the way that our common culture understands the term. They were willing to experience “pathos” together; they were committed to suffering together.
That was the sort of love that St. Valentine lived and died for. So this year, I am approaching Valentine’s Day with a series of questions: am I prepared to suffer for the sake of a strong, Christ-centered relationship? Do I resent suffering, or do I allow it to make me into a holier woman and a better girlfriend? How can I love in a saint-like way?
In some ways, long-distance makes these questions easier to examine in the context of my own life. Long periods of separation from the person I love automatically introduce suffering into our relationship. If I allow it to do so, long-distance can act as a training ground for saintlike love. So perhaps, despite the distance, I have the ability to celebrate Valentine’s Day as St. Valentine might have liked: by embracing the hardship and allowing it to bear fruit in my relationship and in my soul.
These questions make Valentine’s Day a worthwhile holiday not just for those who are dating or married, but anyone in any kind of human relationship (and yes, that’s all of you). Love of any kind cannot flourish unless both parties are willing to accept and grow from suffering; this is as true in friendships as it is in romantic relationships. And no, this doesn’t boil down to celebrating Galentine’s Day in lieu of a Valentine’s Day date (although I love a good Galentine’s party). It means authentically living out Christ’s words: “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” I invite you to take this Valentine’s Day as an opportunity to assess if and how you are doing this.
I say none of this to disparage the flowers-and-chocolates celebration of Valentine’s Day, but rather to remind both those who get flowers and those who do not that love is not built on flowers alone.