How to address Pornography Addiction in Personal Life and Relationships
It is widely recognized that pornography and masturbation are increasingly ubiquitous among the young men and women in today’s secular culture.
The Catholic Church recognizes that masturbation violates the sanctity of the marital act and that pornography degrades and objectifies the human person. Most students at the University of Dallas firmly believe these moral truths. However, despite this consensus, porn and its related evils are rarely talked about in a meaningful way by the student body.
Many believe that porn is a non-issue here at UD. The truth is, the problems of pornography and masturbation exist on our campus and are more prevalent than many of us would like to believe.
To the men of UD: If you are engaged in this behavior, it is unfair and unwise to enter into or to continue a relationship with a woman before you have taken concrete, tangible steps to effectively combat pornography. Your porn usage will affect your future wife, and she will definitely care whether you struggled with this sin.
When asked, many women affirm that they won’t even consider dating a man who has a history of using pornography. If you want to pursue a relationship with someone, you cannot in good conscience allow this wound to continue festering. You cannot afford to continue putting your future marriage and your salvation in danger by not being courageous enough to aggressively resist this vice.
To the women of UD: I know you are seeking ways to best understand and navigate today’s difficult dating environment, but I’d like to discuss the expectations some of you may hold for men.
First, you are right to desire a chaste partner. Marriage is a sacrament. The man you date and eventually marry is important, and you are entitled to be selective. If a man is struggling in this way and is unwilling to do anything to concretely address the issue, you should not date him.
However, don’t immediately write off every man who struggles with sin. In doing so, you label him as damaged goods, overlooking his virtues and the work that God is doing in and through him.
Let’s be realistic; if you cut off every man who has struggled with pornography, you will be left with very few options. Pornography usage is so prevalent that there are very few men who have not struggled at some point in their lives.
With first exposure being as early as seven to eight years of age, this is not a burden that men intentionally choose to carry. Don’t demand perfection, but do demand the pursuit of purity and chastity.
So what can you ladies do for the man you are dating? First, take the active step to ask him if this is something he has a history with or currently is battling.
If he says that he struggles with pornography or masturbation, demand that he seek help. If he is unwilling, then do not date him. Simple as that.
This is a conversation that must be had as a part of the discernment of marriage, and, unfortunately, guys often need a push to start the healing process. If he doesn’t take initiative, you can and should take the lead by extending the invitation.
Often, the biggest hurdle for a man to accept the grace to overcome this sin is a concrete motivation or a reason why. You can help him realize this “why” by encouraging him to combat pornography.
Be gentle and understanding when he shares with you. Press him to be honest about his struggle, but accept what he is willing to tell you. While he has been deeply wounded by this sin, it is not your job to fix him.
The cure to man’s distorted view of sex and love is to embrace God’s selfless love. Therefore, urge him to strive for virtue and to be willing to accept God’s healing plan for him.
I’d now like to extend a formal invitation to the men of UD to join Fight Club. Fight Club focuses on addressing the underlying triggers for pornography and masturbation, and supports a radical reorienting of the whole person toward Christ.
It’s not about how long you can stay sober. The man who falls to porn every day but aggressively resists and repents is closer to holiness than one who never struggles but does not actively strive for virtue. Fight Club incentivizes positive steps toward virtue through accountability partners and a personalized, structured prayer regimen with an emphasis on the Holy Rosary.
Start taking yourself seriously and get organized in your battle against porn. More importantly, start taking your future wife seriously. Take the steps needed to become the man she deserves.
Recovery is rigorous and demanding, but the gate is narrow that leads to eternal life. To inquire about Fight Club, contact Deacon Ryan or talk to me. We would both be happy to answer any questions you may have.
Bio: Elijah McCollum is a sophomore biology major. He is a Fight Club mentor.